for whatever we lose
by The Old Circle Jerk
Summary: You can't keep living like this. / Cat & Beck.


i was in a write-y mood and thus this fic was born.

it'll be my last one for awhile probably, unless i ever get around to writing that drunk!beck fic emma and i talked about lmfao. enjoy.

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><p><em>for whatever we lose<em>

_You can't keep living like this. / Cat & Beck. _

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><p>You're not sure how long it's been. You savour every second that Beck's lips are on yours, praying that comprehension never dawns and the two of you can sit in your basement forever. Instead, Beck's phone beeps, pulling the two of you apart.<p>

"It's midnight," he mutters, glancing at his phone.

"It's midnight." You repeat, awkwardly dropping your hand from his shoulder.

"I should..." He looks at you, waiting. Waiting for you to say something that might make him consider staying.

You don't.

"Go." He finished his sentence, dropping his gaze.

You wait. You wait for him to take it back and you wait for him to remind you that he loves you and that he wants to make it work, but he doesn't, he stands up and gives you a little nod and says goodnight.

You're left to sit and ponder what could've been and wonder if you were really meant to be at all.

/

The next two weeks are the most awkward. You avoid each other as much as possible, making your conversations as quick as they need to be while Tori tries to force you back together. But that's the thing. This isn't just some game Tori can play. She can't try and break you up and then shove you back together a week later. She can cut you up and glue you back together all she wants, but eventually she's going to run out of ways to fix everything.

/

You're at school and Tori's talking about her new boyfriend but you're not really listening because Beck's across the hallway and he's with Jade and you feel like a shard of ice has just stabbed your heart.

He catches you looking and smiles, a little _let's forget the fact that you're in love with me and let's just be friends, yeah? _kind of smile and you want to nod, you want to go back to the way you were but you _can't _because feelings don't just go away and didn't you mean _anything _to him?

Because you remember the way he would moan your name and Jesus _Christ _nobody's that good of an actor. You remember the little half smile that would grace his features, and the way he'd wipe the sweat off your face with the back of his hand, and the way he would slowly suck your neck, making his way up to your lips, planting little kisses along the trail of your jawline.

You also remember him telling you he loved you.

/

"Cat!" You close your eyes, cursing under your breath. You thought you'd escaped him, squeaking and ducking out of the way whenever he walked over, but you hadn't counted on the fact that he might walk you home.

"Hi," You say shortly, quickening your pace.

"Don't just ignore me, Cat," He says angrily, grabbing your arm.

"It's alright for you to ignore me, though? It's alright for you to go back to Jade like nothing ever _happened _between us?" You know you're being stupid and dramatic, but you don't care. You need to get your feelings out, you can't just keep them bottled up forever.

"Do you know how much it hurts, Beck, when someone tells you they love you and don't mean it? When they take your virginity and treat you like you're the most important person in the world but then go back to dating their ex-girlfriend, _who is your best friend by the way_, three days later? It fucking _sucks_. You know, you're actually this person that I've always wanted, and you _know _it so you use it to your advantage to fuck with my feelings and get what you want. And it's like, you keep hurting me but I keep coming back and I still _want _you and I don't know why." You conclude, chest heaving.

Beck's staring at you, eyes wide, and you wait for him to roll his eyes and call you a drama queen and walk away, but he doesn't, he leans forward and gently presses his lips to yours.

And suddenly you're falling all over again.

/

Things are simple with you two.

Easy.

You lie in his RV and eat strawberry ice cream and laugh and have lots and lots of sex.

He knows your body like the back of his hand, knows your weak spots and how to make you moan.

_shit shit shit _

The words escape your mouth in a jumble of sweat and incoherent thoughts. You grip Beck's hair as you reach your climax, gasping loudly as he slams you back against the wall. "FUCK, BECK."

"Ready for round two?" He grins, sweating.

You just smirk and dip your head to his collarbone, breathing in his scent.

But you can feel it in the pit of your stomach that this isn't going to end well. You can't keep living like this.

/

It's not happy for long though.

When is it ever? When can life _ever _be simple and carefree without things getting in the way?

Because now Jade's decided that she wants Beck back.

And what Jade wants, Jade gets.

/

You watch from a distance as they laugh and talk and act like they haven't been apart for the last 7 months, like you haven't been an important part of his life.

He gives you that same _let's be friends_ smile he gave you 7 and a half months ago.

You turn away.

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><p>sigh i find it so hard to write happy endings<p>

whatever whatever happy new years everyone!


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